I can’t explain it – if I try I end up speechless
The choking like sensation that sits in my throat gets bigger with every breath
Holding back a tsunami of tears with a painted smile
It tells me that I’m a mistake,
That I should have been aborted,
That I’m just a waste of air.
I’m not lazy.
I’m lying in bed fighting with my own thoughts,
It tells me that I’m going to fail today so why bother getting up?
I’m not stupid.
I try to get my work done but it will remind me of an awkward conversation I had years ago and take my motivation away.
My thoughts fight me every day pointing a gun at my head
Some days there’s a bullet and some there isn’t,
I’m not anorexic.
I eat but it tells me that I’m a disappointment to not only myself but to my family
I’m scared that one day, I’m going to lose control.
That one day, I’ll go back to slicing up my skin.
That one day, I’ll never achieve my goals.
That one day, I’ll never be able to breathe again.
That one day, I’ll never be happy.
I fight with my mind so much it leaves me tired
I’m seen as happy and confident.
But talk about my feelings I’m emotional and weak
My emotions make me fall to my knees crying my eyes out,
I hate to be seen as weak because I’ll never get the same respect I had before.
When I walk through the halls I feel like everyone is looking at me, judging me
Making fun of what I wear, my personality, my skin tone, my laugh.
Oh and let’s not forget: oh my god she’s a virgin!
It reminds me of my insecurities.
It reminds me to look in the mirror and criticize myself
I hate that it’s here.
I hate that it sits on its throne that I call my mind,
I hate that it makes me shake like a rattlesnake’s tail,
People tell me to calm down – you telling me to calm down isn’t going to help.
I already feel like I’m drowning and your words make me sink deeper,
Making me regret telling you about my illness in the first place
I can’t explain it if I try I’m speechless but I can say this.
It’s like a demon feeding off of your happiness and replacing it with your insecurities.